Magia's Humor Page

Just plain, simple humor in good offense intended toward anyone

You Might be Pagan If...

1. When you're sworn in in court, you bring your own grimoire. . .
2. You've been seen talking to cats. They talk back. You understand what they're saying. . .
3. When asked if you believe in God, you ask, "Which one?" . . .
4. You know what "widdershins" means. You apply it. . .
5. You have an entire spice cabinet. . . and you don't cook. . .
6. You know that laurel and bay leaves are the same thing. . .
7. You have a frequent buyer card at the local antique bookstore. The proprietor of said bookstore picks out anything to do with the Celts and saves it for you. . .
8. You think Mercedes Lackey should be a cultural icon. . .
9. You know that there are exceptions to the laws of physics. You've caused them. . .
10. The first thing your guests say is, "My, that's a nice. . . altar. . . you have there. . ."
11. On Halloween, you yell "Happy New Year!" at passers-by. . .
12. You know that Christmas trees were originally pagan symbols. That's why you bought one. . .
13. You have friends who say they are elves. You believe them. . .
14. You commit blasphemy in the plural. . .
15. Upon dying, your first thought is, "Darn it, not AGAIN. . ."
16. When you say "Mother Nature," you don't mean it in an anthropomorphic way. . .
17. Gaia is NOT the lady on "Captain Planet". . .
18. You think The Mists of Avalon should be a religious text. You use it as such. . .
19. In Religion 101, you're disappointed because they didn't cover YOUR gods. . .
20. You know that there is a right way and a wrong way to draw a pentagram. . .
21. You can explain the difference. . .
22. You've spent the last year and a half looking for a familiar. . .
23. You talk to trees. They talk back. . .
24. You know dragons and fae exist. You've seen them. . .
25. Painting yourself blue, spiking your hair, and dancing naked around a bonfire sounds like large amounts of fun.
26. You've seen "The Craft". You know where they were making stuff up. You have explained this to other people. You can do it better than they did it in "The Craft". You know the rest was a load of crap. . .
27. You understand the symbolism behind a maypole. . .
28. You've ever ended a phone call with "so mote it be. . ."
29. You think that "Scott Cunningham" is a household name. . .
30. You feel that there is no such thing as having too many cats. . .
31. The emergency calls you get at work are your teenagers wanting to know the whereabouts of the extra candles, incense or other miscellaneous ritual items. . .
32. Someone asks you what you are doing wandering around in the woods wearing a robe, and you answer cheerfully: "Going to church!" . . .
33. Your children go around telling people that "the Goddess loves you. . ."
34. You're reading this list. . .
35. You understand what it's talking about. . .

Top 10 Ways To Make a Pagan Mad

1. Ask them if they are Satan worshipers.

2. Be considerate, re-arrange their altar so it will look neat.

3. Blow out their altar candle if it is still day light.

4. Pick up their tools for a closer look.

5. Sharpen their dull black-handled knife.

6. Witness to them about the "true religion".

7. Untie the knots in their cord.

8. Take hold of their jewelry for a closer look.

9. Play card games with their Tarot cards.

10. Ask them if they are Satan worshipers.

How to tell if you might be a redneck pagan:

You call your High Priest Sir Billy Bob
You call the four directions with a flash light
You ever cancelled a ritual because of a football game
Your athame has a can opener and a nail file on it too.
Your ceremonial jewelry is plastic
You celebrate your simple feast with Beer nuts and a Keg.
The Superbowl is your most important holiday
You use an engine block for an altar
You've ever marked out the circle with duct tape
You've ever done a Lotto spell
Your scrying mirror says "objects may be closer than they appear"
You've ever used a cauldron as a spitoon
You've ever financed a ritual tattoo
Your child and your dog have the same magickal name
You call your quarters north, east, south, and over yonder
Your simple feast is beer and twinkies
You end your rituals with "Y'all come back now, y'hear?"
Your anointing oil smells like Old Spice
You've ever worn ritual robes made out of camouflage
Your idea of ritual garb is cutoffs and a tank top
You have ever refilled your chalice from a keg
The god representation on your altar is a velvet Elvis
The goddess representation on your altar is Marilyn Monroe

How Many???

How many solitary witches does it take to screw in a Light bulb? One.

How many Sumerians does it take to screw in a Light bulb? All of them.

How many Dianics does it take to screw in a Light bulb? THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

How many Dianic women does it take to screw in a Light bulb? That's W-I-M-M-I-N...AND IT'S STILL NOT FUNNY!

How many Druids does it take to change a Light bulb? 501. One to change the bulb, and 500 to align the stones.

How many ceremonial magicians does it take to screw in a Light bulb? Just one. He stands still and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many Family traditionalists does it take to change a Light bulb? Candle light was good enough for our ancestors, it's good enough for us!

How many Pagans does it take to change a Light bulb? Six. One to change it, five to sit around complaining that light bulbs never burned out before Christians came along.

How many witches does it take to change a Light bulb? Depends on what you want it changed into...

How many Buckland witches does it take to change a Light bulb? "Refer to my second book, 'Practical Light bulb changing' by Raymond Buckland..."

How many New Agers does it take to change a Light bulb? (in a sing-song voice)We don't use light bulbs, we just charge our crystals and watch them glow...

How many astrologers does it take to change a Light bulb? Don't ask me now, Mercury's retrograde!

How many Asatruar does it take to change a Light bulb? None. The light from the burning monastery is sufficient, thank you.

How many Calvinists does it take to change a Light bulb? None. God has predestined when the lights will be on.

How many Pentacostals does it take to change a Light bulb? Ten. One to change it and nine others to pray against the powers of darkness.

How many T.V. evangelists does it take to change a Light bulb? One. But for the message of hope to continue to go forth, send in your tax-deductible donation today.

How many Alexandrians does it take to screw in a Light bulb? That's the Maiden's job. Maiden- make it so.

Circle Etiquette

Never summon Anything you can't banish.

Never put asafoetida on the rocks in the sweat lodge. (peeeeeeeeyewwwwwww!)

Do not attempt to walk more than 10 paces while wearing all of your ritual jewelry, dream bags and crystals at the same time.

When proposing to initiate someone, do not mention the Great Rite, leer, and say, "Hey, your trad or mine?"

Never laugh at someone who is skyclad. They can see you, too.

Never, ever set the Witch on fire.

Looking at nifty pictures is not a valid path to mastering the ancient grimoires. Please read thoroughly and carefully from beginning to end so that your madness and gibberings will at least make some sense.

A good grasp of ritual and ritual techniques is essential! In the event of a random impaling, or other accidental death amongst the participants, (see next rule) a quick thinker can improvise to ensure successful completion of the Rite. Make them another sacrifice, Demons like those.

Watch where you wave the sharp pointy items.

Avoid walking through disembodied spirits.

Carry an all purpose translators dictionary in case the ritual leader begins talking in some strange and unknown language.

Avoid joining your life force to anything with glowing red eyes.

If asked to sign a contract or pact and you are experiencing doubts or reservations, sign your neighbors name. Malevolent entities rarely ask for photo ID.

Blood is thicker than water. Soak ritual garments an extra 30-45 minutes.

While drunken weaving may be mistaken for ecstatic dancing, slurring the names of Deities is generally considered bad form.

Why Did the Neo-Pagan Chicken Cross the Road?

Alexandrian/Gardnerian: To reveal this would be to break my oath of secrecy. I can say, though, that it really is an ancient rite, dating far back in time, back even before 1951, and I have learned it from an unbroken lineage. As Gerald said, it takes a chicken to make an egg.

Asatru: First, we don't believe in a "One Chicken" or a "Hen and Rooster." We believe in many chickens. Second, "crossing the road" is part of the three levels, or worlds, and the chicken simply crossed from one level to another. Hail to the Chickens!

British Traditional: The word "chicken" comes from a very specific Old English word ("gechekken"), and it only properly applies to certain fowl of East Anglia or those descended therefrom. As for the rest, I suppose they are doing something remotely similar to crossing the road, but you must remember that traditional roads are not to be confused with the modern roads....

Celtic: In County Feedbeygohn on Midsummer's day, there is still practiced St. Henny's Dance, which is a survival of the old pagan Chicken Crossing fertility rite. Today, modern pagans are reviving the practice, dedicated to the Hen and the Green Rooster.

Ceremonial: "Crossing the road" is a phrase that summarizes many magical structures erected and timed by the chicken to produce the energy necessary for the intention of the travel across the road. For example, the astrological correspondences had to be correct, the moon had to be waxing (if the chicken intended to come to the other side of the road) or waning (if the chicken intended to flee to the other side of the road), and the chicken had to prepare herself through fasting and proper incantations. Note certain forms of invocation (summoning an egg inside your chicken self) can produce abnormal or even dangerous eggs and should only be conducted inside a properly erected barnyard.

Chaos: Thinking in terms of "roads" and "crossings" is simply looking at the formal, typically perceived structure of chicken crossing space-time. We, instead, focus on the possibility of chicken crossing itself; what appears to be a random act is thus actually the norm --- it is the road which is the freak of chance. Indeed, quantum mechanics now demonstrates what we knew all along two roads can simultaneously exist in the same place at the same time. Thus, by attuning ourselves to the dynamic energy (called "crossing"), we can manifest the road. Of course, to the unknowledgeable, this appears as a chicken crossing the road.

Dianic: The chykyn ("chicken" is term of patriarchal oppression) sought to reclaim for herself the right to be on the other side of the road, after it had been denied to her for centuries. By doing so, she reawakened the power of the Hen within herself.

Discordian: cock-a-doodle-doo!

Druid: To get to the sacred grove, of course! Keep in mind that 99% of everything written about chickens-crossing-the-road is pure hogwash, based on biased sources. Yes, there were a few unfortunate chicken sacrifices in the past, but that is over now...

Eclectic: Because it seemed right to her at the time. She used some Egyptian style corn and a Celtic sounding word for the road and incorporated some Native American elements into her Corn-name, Chicken-Who-Dances-and-Runs-with-the-Wolves.

Faery: In twilight times and under sparkling stars, those properly trained can still see the chickens crossing the roads. Reconnecting with these "fey-fowl" as they cross is crucial to restoring the balance between the energies of modern development and living with the earth.

Family Traditional: Growing up, we didn't think much about "crossing the road." A chicken was a chicken. It crossed the road because that was what worked to get her to the other side. We focused on what worked, and we worked more with the elders of the barnyard and less with all this "guardians of the chickencoop" business. We didn't get our concepts of "chickens" or "the other side" from Gardner, either. You can choose not to believe us since we did not "scratch down" on paper what was clucked to us orally (which, at certain times in history, was the only way to avoid becoming Easter chicken soup!), but that doesn't change the facts there were real chickens, and they really did cross the road!

Kitchen Witch: The chicken crossed the road to get food, to get a rooster or to get away from me after I decided to have chicken for supper!

Left Hand Path: White, fluffy chickens prancing across the road ! Do you think that is all there is to crossing the road? Do you dare to know the dark side of crossing the road and the other path to self-development?

New Age: The chicken crossed the road because she chose this as one her lessons to learn in this life. Besides, there was so much incense and bright, white corn to explore on the Other Side.

Newbie: well, 'cause I read in this really kewl book that said, like, chickens are supposed to cross the road, right? And I need a familiar...

Posting on an Online Discussion Group: What the hell do you mean 'why did the chicken cross the road?' ???!!!??? Haven't you read any of the previous posts? We've been [expletive deleted] debating every word of that question, painstakingly trying to come to some kind of answer. I know you wrote 'all i wanted to know was why chickens cross the road, im not looking for any chicken spells' but I'm fed up with newbies who can't even bother to REEEEEEEEAAADDD the posts on that very topic! No, this is not a flame. But, I and several others here have the maturity to properly explore and respond to this question, and we were properly trained; we didn't just read a book and think we were full-fledged chickens.

"Sethian"/Jane Roberts: Session 666; Wednesday, Dec. 2, 1969; 9:00 p.m. Now, you create your own chicken, each of you individually and en masse. Your physical senses fool you into believing you are seeing a chicken crossing the road, when instead, the chicken has already crossed the road, and hasn't even begun to cross the road. There is a probable chicken that never crossed the road as well. Further, because you each perceive a chicken, there is not only one chicken but, in fact, many different chickens. As I have said before, time is simultaneous. All probable versions of the chicken--past, present and future--exist at once in the spacious present. It is only because you believe [emphatically] that time is linear, with each moment followed by another in one-line kind of fashion, that you perceive the chicken taking chicken steps to get to the other side of the road. It does no good to ask "Which came first, the chicken or the egg," either, for they both exist at once in simultaneous time. [910 p.m.] Now, there are families of chicken consciousness. All life seeks value fulfillment, for consciousness is consciousness. What you perceive as a chicken may be something far different in another reality. The chicken may, for example, be a fragment personality of your entity. The chicken is no less than you are, however, simply because it is a chicken. Now, the chicken has its reality, and you have your reality. But the chicken is more than a chicken [emphatically], and you are more than you think that you are! [Pause one minute] The chicken crosses the road because it believes it can, and it does. It knows that it is sacred and that it will not die. You (underline 'you') also are sacred and you will not die. But as long as you believe that it is unsafe to cross the road, you must take chicken steps and obey the laws that you have agreed upon to get to to the other side safely. [End at 9:30 p.m. Jane came out of trance easily. She didn't remember a word she had spoken as Seth.]

Solitaire: The chicken didn't want to be part of a coven or an oven.

Shaman: Crossing the road is a way to reconnect with the healing, visionary lifeways of the past. Chickens have long known this, but increasingly the Rooster's Movement is adding more roosters to the crossings too.

Snert: Hey, are you guys really chickens? Can you give me a spell that will make a chicken cross the road?

Wiccan: The chicken crossed the road because she felt like she was finally "coming home." She could do it alone or with others, but she had to call to the Guardians of the Watchtowers of the Barnyard first ... ummm, after casting the circle.

Lady Pixie Moondrip's Guide to Craft Names

(This one cracks me up)

Back to the Cauldron

More Coming...